Something for the Weekend: Games and Asides

In the scorching heat of summer, there’s nothing I like more than reading the Target novelisation of The Sun Makers and overthrowing corrupt regimes. But maybe that’s not for you. In which case, I’ve assembled some bits and pieces to while away a lazy weekend.

Most of the following rubbish is taken from two fanzines produced for past Bedford Who Charity Cons:

Doctor Who and the Scary Killer Death Men from Space and

Dr Who and the Scary Killer Robot Death-Fridges from Outer Space.

You may like the following material (though it’s unlikely). If you do, and would like to read more where that came from, the fanzines are available from my eBay shop.

All proceeds to Bedford Foodbank.

Cheap, too: they’re both under two quid. (Probably over-price for a bunch of bad jokes. Allegedly, good for reading in the loo, though, if you fancy a giggle.)

Here we go.

Miscellaneous notes and observations:

Finland produced two Doctor Who books: Tohtori Kuka Ja Autonien Hyökkäys (Doctor Who and the Auton Invasion) and Tohtori Kuka Ja Luolahirviöt (Doctor Who and the Cave Monsters).

They were in a bigger format than the Target Books’ originals, and each thus qualifies as a Big Finnish.

Seen on eBay:

“Doctor Who – Made of Steel Dicks.”

Well, now we know.

Dialogue from The Dr Who Annual 1966: ‘I must get out of here before that insect tries to roll another giant cabbage down here,’ said Dr Who.

Meglos was a plant with delusions of grandeur. There is precedent for this: after all, the leek shall inherit the earth.

The original pitch for Bagpuss did not feature a saggy old cloth cat. Instead, it would feature a wizened and ancient scientist in a futuristic wheelchair. Thus the original poem to accompany the series went like this:

Davros, dear Davros,

Cadaverous Dalek boss,

Wake up and see this thing which I bring.

Wake up, be bright:

Turn on your blue light!

Davros, O hear what I sing.

Suppose the Doctor Never Regenerated

In other words, what would it have been like if the First Doctor was the protagonist of all the later stories? Here are two imagined scenes…

Genesis of the Daleks

Dr Who: Tell me, my dear Davros… Ah, where was I? Ah yes. Yes, yes indeed. [Leans forward and beams.] Davros, if you had, er, created in your, ah, lavatory… a wireless – virus. Yes! A virus. A virus that was confectious and intagious. A virus that would destroy aaaaall other forms of life… Would you, ah, would you allow its use, my dear sir, hmmm?

[Thrusts out chin and places his forefinger upon his chin for no very good reason]

Davros: It is an interesting conjecture.

Dr Who: Yes yes yes yes but ah… would you do it? Yes. Would you do it, hmm? Tee-hee! Yes, would you?

[Narrows eyes and looks from left to right because he knows this is a close-up of him.]

Davros: The only living thing… A microscopic organism, reigning supreme. A fascinating idea!

Dr Who: Dear dear dear dear. But ah, would you, ah, would do, do it? Hmm? That is the question. Don’t beat about the bush, my dear fellow. Would you do it?

The Time of Angels

Angel Bob: Sorry, can I ask again? You mentioned a mistake we made.

Dr Who: Ah, yes, yes, my dear, er… my dear stone lady. Yes, yes indeed. Tee-hee! A mistake. A huuuuge mistake. Ho ho! Yes! Didn’t anyone, ah, didn’t anyone ever tell you, my dear, that er, if you set a, set a trap, that there’s one thing you should never, never, never put in it, hmm? Did they tell you that, dear lady, hmm? Tee-hee! Did they? Hmm? Yes, yes indeed. No no, the point is, my dear young lady, that, ah, if you’re, ah, smart – (are you smart, dear lady, hmm?) Yes yes yes. If you’re smart, do you see, if you value your, ah, continued existence… Ah, if you have plans about seeing tomorrow, there is one thing. Yes! One thing. One thing you must never, ever put in a trap. No, no. Not ever, do you see, hmm? Tee-hee! And do you know what that one thing might be, hmm? Do you?

Angel Bob: And what would that be, sir?

Dr Who: Me! Tee-hee! Yes, yes indeed! Me! Tee-hee! [Giggles, splutters and falls over.]

Games

Compiled by someone with time on his hands. If you have nothing to do (like watching The Pyramid at the End of the World), why not come up with your own anagrams and keep them to yourself/share them in the comments section?

Doctor Who Anagrams

Barry Letts: Try blaster!

Blast Terry!

Castrovalva: Oval cravats

Christopher Eccleston: Crisp, torn cheesecloth

Etch preschool cretins

Her necrotic splotches

Pin to cheerless crotch

Dodo Chaplet: Poached Dolt

Ian Chesterton: Hernia contest

Hot nectarines

Coherent saint

Or enhance tits

Melanie Bush: Her nubile shame

Peter Capaldi: Papa Derelict

A decrepit pal

Peter Cushing: ‘Epic!’ he grunts

Etch ripe gnus

Peter Davison: ’E aspired on TV

Terminus: Semi-runt

Warriors of the Deep: Waterproofed heirs

Change or omit one letter of a Doctor Who story or episode title to produce most amusing results

Four Hundred Yawns

Flat Lino

The Cake of Skulls

The Nurse of Peladon

The Wall of Pies

The Lime Monster

Pyramids of Jars

Galaxy Dour

(‘It’s right boring being a galaxy…’)

The Meddling Wonk

The Bran of Morbius

(Keeps him regular!)

The Peeper of Traken

Dull Circle

Hay of the Daleks

The Barbi

(‘I’m a Zarbi girl, / In a Zarbi world’)

Warriors’ Late

The Daves of Androzani

Legopolis

Timewash

The Pea of Death

The Ice Worriers

The Meddling Bonk

The Ultimate Toe

The Cakes of Androzani

The Comb of the Cybermen

Dad of the Daleks

The Creature from the Zit

Daz of the Daleks

(Bet that would make them really shiny!)

The Womb of the Cybermen

Pay of the Daleks

Plus three items from The Greatest Garden Centre in the Galaxy:

Paradise Mowers

The Ultimate Hoe

Four Hundred Lawns

Add one letter to a Doctor Who story title to produce most amusing results

The Waking Sally

The Wary Machines

(‘Ooo, do look out! Ooo, be careful!’)

The Moronbase

The Park in Space

Furry from the Deep

Marco’s Polo

Davy of the Daleks

Planet of the Food

The Wart Games

Fear Herb

The Creature from the Pith

The Calves of Androzani

Day of the Moron

The Warm Machines (ooo, cosy!)

The Nice Warriors

The Hedge of Destruction

The Faceless Onesy

Kill the Moron

The Mice Warriors

Fury from the Meep

Rhyme one word from a Doctor Who story title to produce most amusing results

(God, not more of this!)

Puree from the Deep

Kill the Spoon

The Bread Planet

Marco Rolo

The Florist of Fear

The Cave of Gulls

Janet of the Daleks

The Doze of Terror

A Land of Beer

Planet of Clients

The Brian

The Veal in Space

Gannet of the Daleks

The Steel Pie

The Shower of the Daleks

The Underwater Tennis

The Prunebase

The Faceless Buns

The Flume of the Cybermen

The Pollinators

The Rind of Evil

The Pause of Axos

Gannet of Evil

The Brie Devils

The Flask of Mandragora

The Gallons of Weng-Chiang

The Power of Prole

The Armageddon Tractor

Kitty of Death

Gannet of Decision

Nightmare of Sweden

The Corns of Nimon

(No doubt a result of those daft platform shoes they wear)

Eggloss

State of Croquet

The Sweeper of Traken

Verminous

The Bin Dilemma

The Impossible Gannet

A Mac of the Cybermen

The Quark of the Rani

The Ultimate Dough

Dragonchoir

Cattlefield

Toast Light

Pies of the Cybermen

The Satan Zit

The Shakespeare Toad

Gannet of the Ood

(This is getting irritating…)

Warty-Ewe

The Sound of Plums

Planet of the Nude

The Poison Pie

The Pirate Gannet

(How many more of these?)

Appliance in the Library

The Vampires of Tennis

A Good Man Goes to Snore

The Girl Who Skated

A Town Called Percy

Under the Cake

The Mysterious Gannet

(Enough!)

The Girl Who Fried

Grace, the Raven

The Caves of Andrew’s Auntie

The Dead Gannet

(Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!)

Okay, dear DWC readers – it’s over to you!