Dear Davros: March 2017 Edition

What? What is this? No. No, I can’t be here again. I can’t have been on this particular online platform for… It must be nearly 12 of your Earth months.

I am Davros, Dark Lord of Skaro, and it’s my duty to spread my glorious rhetoric to even the most lurid corners of this thing you call an inter-net. I am concerned that you see yourselves as superior beings of Sol 3, perhaps even the universe; I am here to teach you that mankind is merely a footnote in the list of races to be exterminated by my glorious creations, the Daleks.

Also, I’m given unlimited rice pudding for providing answers to your pathetic problems.

I’ve already proven of immense help to a number of you horrid humans (that number being 3), but the DWC want more, more, more. And thus, I empty out a bag containing a number of further queries (that number, quite coincidentally, being 3 once again)…

Quentin Quattrociocchi QC writes: Dear Davros. So you’re like… an Agony Aunt? What did you say when the DWC approached you to do that demeaning job?

To hold in my hand, a keyboard that contains such power; to know that life decisions on such a scale were my choice – to know that the tiny pressure of my fingers, enough to press down a few keys with letters on them, would prove agony to all these “aunts” of which you speak… Yes, I would be an “Agony Aunt”! That power would set me up above the Gods! And through this column, I shall have that power!

And this rice pudding really is delish.

Gabriella “Gobby” Guacamole asks: Dear Davros. I have an urge to explore Earth, but simply can’t afford to travel extensively. They say travel expands the mind, but I fear mine is withering as I become more depressed at my situation. Please help.

Well, there really is a simple solution. Get yourself a tank. Or at the very least, a tricycle.

I’m sure these things are relatively inexpensive, especially in comparison to other modes of transportation such as a thermal-nuclear self-perpetuating TGV, magnetic-synthesising chromatic-charged jet, or an Uber. By encapsulating yourself into a specially-made tank, you even avoid bus replacement services.

The equipment I have here will sufficiently aid you in your transportation troubles. Your withering will come in handy; your body will have to transform into a greater, more beautiful form in order for you to properly fit inside this tank. It will require only a brief amendment to your DNA, obtainable through 16 doses of radiation. Oh, you are in for a treat. And then you can forget the world – the whole filthy universe will be your Skaronian-Oyster!

Ranvir Raglun The Ravisher emails: Dear Davros. We’re just about to celebrate our first anniversary, but ‘paper’ seems like such a cheap gift – do you have any better suggestions for a present for my beautiful wife?

It’s so pleasing to hear you have found the one you plan on destroying your enemies with.

I might’ve previously mentioned losing the girl I loved to a hideous Thal, and as they have both now perished (I have a fool-proof alibi to say that I was definitely there when they died in that pool of acid – I’m sure that’s how alibis work), I might as well share with you my plan for our anniversary. We’d kick off by experimenting on the three Larva-Pool Lampreys I’ve saved for the occasion, followed by an hour drafting up the latest plans for the Reality Bomb. Your mind is obviously incapable of creating such a glorious monstrosity, so you could instead pop to a local café for luncheon. I suggest toasties.

The afternoon would be spent destroying a local star system. The sights would be sublime, and installing microphonic systems in the main cities of regional planets will allow you to listen as the inhabitants scream. While this occurs, perhaps the pair of you could have some one-on-one time – by which I mean, discussions on the theory of dismemberment.

Finish the night with a bang, by blowing up a Thal household.

And don’t forget that love is a key strategic weakness, and should the opportunity arise, you’d be advised to sacrifice her in the most disgusting way possible, perhaps utilising the upcoming update to the Special Weapons Dalek. Happy Anniversary!

On the advice of our lawyers, we must distance The Doctor Who Companion and its writers from the actions and recommendations of Davros. We take no responsibility for whatever actions you take as a result of his replies.

Davros will be back to offer his thoughts on Earthling issues – maybe soon, or maybe next year. Who knows anymore?