The UNIT Files: Invasion of the Dinosaurs

CLASSIFIED documents REDACTED 

Released under the 70 year rule on 15th June, 2049.

UNIT file ref. ‘Operation Golden Age’/London Evacuation 

1. Small ads from ‘The Radical Ecologist’, cranks’ newssheet, circulation approx. 2500 – duplicated, sent by Royal Mail to subscribers (year’s subscription £2.32)

BACK PAGES: small ads 5p to place small ads – phone the office and ask for Nancy 

Remaindered copies of ‘Last Chance for Man’ available, 35p each, contact The Radical Health bookshop, 01 846 9363 52, Travers Way, London W1  

MYSTERIOUS MIND READER EXTRAORDINAIRE Professor Herbert Clegg will perform at your private cabaret or works party. Be amazed as he probes the darkest regions of your mind! PO Box 554. 

Lethbridge Stewart is a fascist. – Kettlewell 

Fight against Global Chemicals and experience a healthier way to live – Mind, Body and Spirit! Come to THE WHOLEWEAL COMMUNITY, Llanfairfach, Wales. Write to Clifford Jones at PO Box 78 and enclose a stamped addressed envelope. 

Flash! Flash, I love you! But we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!

Are you tired of well-meaning but ineffectual Ecology Groups like the Ecology Party and Friends of the Earth? Do you feel as though nothing is changing, however much we march and protest? Do you agree it is time for RADICAL SOLUTIONS? If so, we may be the group for you. Write to RUTH or MARK at GOLDEN AGE, PO Box 557 for further details. 

Meditation centre in beautiful English countryside welcomes new members and disciples. Find the new way, which is no way. Find the new mind, which is no mind. Discover to your inexpressible joy that you have never existed. Contact LUPTON, secretary or CHO-JE at PO Box 98.

2. Report from The Times, 3rd September, 1977 

Respected Scientist Goes Missing 

By our Science Correspondent, Judith Hann 

Fears are growing for the safety of the respected physicist Professor Whittaker, lately of Waterfield College, Oxford. Professor Whittaker was last seen leaving his home on 30th July. Neighbours report that he ‘slammed the front door’ and was ‘whisked away in a fast, black limousine’.  

Professor Whittaker’s last public appearance was at the annual Waterfield College Open Lecture, when he presented a paper on The Theoretical and Practical Implications of Time Travel. The lecture was interrupted by students making wild accusations that they had been attacked by a small dinosaur in Lower Quad, materialised, they said, by Professor Whittaker. Two of the students have been sectioned under the Mental Health (Dangerous Persons) Act 1972.  

Following his violent attack on the protesting students, Prof Whittaker’s fellowship of Waterfield College was immediately terminated by the Principal. ‘His behaviour fell far short of the standards we expect from the Senior Common Room,’ the press officer for the College commented. 

Whittaker has been described as ‘dangerously unstable’ and a ‘purveyor of crackpot theories about time travel’ by fellow dons. ‘Frankly, he’s a loony,’ one of his students commented. 

It is reported that Professor Whittaker has linked up with the disgraced scientist Dr  Lawrence, lately of the Derbyshire Cyclotron Project, who is on the run from the police. 

Members of Whittaker’s family declined to comment. 

3. Field Guide to Dinosaurs for UNIT personnel. (A5 booklet, duplicated, typed, distributed to all UNIT and regular army troops posted in London under the provisions of the Emergency Powers (London Dinosaur Infestation) Act.

KNOW YOUR DINO! 

STEGGIE 

(real name STEGOSAURUS. Say ‘steg-o-sore-us’)

This one’s basically harmless, lads, and only eats plants. Watch out for the big tail, though. One swish of that and you’ll be smeared on the deck like jelly!

NOISE MADE: ‘urgh, urgh’ – sounds like Corporal Bell trying to sing the National Anthem!! 

TACKLE IT BY: We found it can be herded with a lorry. Put the lorry into first gear and nudge Steggie towards a park. They seem to like oak trees. Plonk one by an oak tree and it’ll munch away for hours! 

TERRY 

(real name PTERODACTYL – say ‘terro-dac-till’) 

Nasty winged buggers. Vicious. Fast. Wingspan can be over 20 feet though the smaller ones have about a 3 foot wingspan. Some of them have teeth and can take a lump out of you. 

NOISE MADE: Kklak!  

TACKLE IT BY: GET UNDER COVER AT ONCE if you spot one of these beggars. Give ‘em a good blast from a bren gun. Go for the wings – holes in the wings bring ‘em to earth and then they’re pretty harmless, basically.

BRONTY 

(real name BRONTOSAURUS. Say ‘bront-o-sore-us’)  

These blokes are about as long as Oxford Street and as immovable as Corporal Palmer from a pub on Friday night! They only eat veg, and are basically strong, stupid, and harmless (like Sergeant Benton!!).

[Handwritten marginal note reads, ‘This isn’t funny and it isn’t clever, Clarke. Report to me at 0800 tomorrow. Benton.’] 

They are bloody enormous, though, and can demolish a row of shops with a lash of their tails.  

NOISE: (low note) urrrr… urrrr… 

TACKLE IT BY: Keep under observation and stay away from it.

TYRO 

(real name TYRANNOSAURUS REX. Say ‘tie-ran-o-sore-us-rex’) 

EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. These guys are meat eaters and squaddies are snacks as far as he’s concerned.  

NOISE: Rooooarrrrrr! Rooooarrrrrr! 

TACKLE IT BY: Bazooka and mortar fire can be effective. They don’t penetrate its hide but they can drive it away.

Alternatively – leg it, lads! 

4. Letter from Brigadier Alastair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart (UNIT, United Kingdom) to Mr Michael Yates, formerly Captain Michael Yates (UNIT), dated [REDACTED]

Dear Mr Yates 

Further to our conversation yesterday afternoon, I write to confirm my acceptance of your resignation from UNIT with immediate effect, on the grounds of chronic illness.

I am happy to confirm that your salary will continue to be paid until the end of the month, and that you will keep your UNIT pension. 

I wish you every success in your future endeavours. 

Yours sincerely 

Alastair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart (Brigadier) 

[handwritten addition scrawled at bottom of letter:] Best of luck, Mike!