Dear readers, as of this writing in late December, 2025, the twerps at Disney have not shown me The War Between the Land and the Sea, i.e. the Doctor Who spin-off miniseries, yet, and I have no idea when I’m going to see it. I hear it’s good though, so I am going to take a wild, wild stab at guessing everything that happens. Then later, we can see how I did. 

We start with a low ranking UNIT member named Barclay. He’s a bit of a dope, maybe he takes out the garbage. But he’s stationed at some UNIT sea base, when aquatic warriors attack. They’re making a statement, and they want Barclay to give humanity a message. “It’s our world, stay outta the water. We’re sick of you polluting the joint.” Barclay can’t help but notice the female representative is very attractive. Reminds him of Martha Jones’ sister. Her name is Salt. Must be either a nickname, or he gives it to her because he’s dopey.

We see the team at UNIT going about their business, rejoicing that they finally got rid of all the kids, and trying to figure out how Belinda suddenly has a child. Barclay barges in, everyone rolls their eyes ‘cause he’s a dope, but they listen to what he has to say. Kate gets a migraine and wishes the Doctor were there for hugs — but thankfully, he’s not there, lest she start blabbing about how they’re all his children. (I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.) The Sea Devils prove they mean business as they utilise their technologically advanced resources to start wrecking stuff — famous landmarks? Ker-blooey!

Also seems like there’s a blue filter on everything we see!

Kate tries to set up a negotiation with the “Aquatica” (eh? Eh?) and the British government is just being dumb, talking tough, and basically making things harder for everyone. But the Aquamen step up the destruction, and different countries bring in their military leaders. America brings in the Torchwood: Children of Earth General because obviously, he gets all the terrible jobs. Ironically, his grandson will end up working on a sea base until he gets killed decades from now and becomes a not-ghost. 

Shirley’s trying to figure a way to fit a nuke inside her wheelchair, and Kate has some alone time with Ibrahim. OooooOOOOOooooo. Meanwhile, Salt is down in Atlantea talking with their leaders — political, scientific, and military. You can guess which way each of them wants to go, regarding dealing with surface dwellers. We also see several different kinds or branches of Aqua-folk. Salt’s kind of got the hots for Barclay and tells the humans he’s dreamy and wants him to handle the negotiating for humanity. GULP! Barclay’s ears stick out farther.

What follows is a lot of debate, negotiation, and argument, while Barclay and Salt make eyes at each other. At one point, there’s a very tense stand-off between the sides, where one itchy trigger finger could doom everyone!

A militant group of Aquas plan to sabotage everything, which would result in humanity getting destroyed. Salt and a friendly Aqua-contingent try and stop them, but a nasty fight breaks out. Salt is about to get killed when a human sacrifices himself to save her. This sets even the most hardcore Aqua-militant back on their heels. For a human to sacrifice themselves for an Aqua… unheard of! This changes everything! Now codes of honour and tradition seep into the piece, and possibly engender peace. 

Negotiations open back up and deals are made. Hey, it’s gonna be okay after all. Thankfully, no one mentioned the Brig’s bombing of their cousins 50 years ago. OR DO THEY? 

They eventually even work together to dispose of the giant island of plastic garbage out in the middle of the ocean, because A) it’s unsightly and B) if the Nestene Consciousness comes back, it’ll definitely use the junk pile to create an Auton kaiju. At least, they will if I write it. 

Oh, and turns out, Barclay’s part Aqua. The End.

Who sacrifices themself? Could be Ibrahim, but they’d have to give us a lot more screen time to get us invested in him. A shame if it’s Kate, especially as she’s only now finally come into her own, thanks to Pete McTighe’s writing. It’d also be nice to get some surprises along the way. 

Okay, dear reader, how did I do? Well, I’ll find out… Some day…