You join us here today as the planet stands on the eve of an election that will decide the next President of Gallifrey.
On one side of this debate, we have the Doctor, a former President whose most recent incarnation (in a linear version of time) has proved a divisive leader, but was widely praised for trying to strangle his companion, a Ms. Perpugilliam Brown. His opposition in this election is the Valeyard, also a former President, from the non-linear time he was actually the Doctor.
This debate is presided over by the Inquisitor, member of the High Council of Time Lords.
Please note, the Valeyard is absent from this discussion, but has sent Earthling, Amber Rudd, from the planet Sol 3, in his place.
Inquisitor: Good morning and afternoon and evening to all of Gallifrey in its various time zones. We welcome the Rt Hon. Amber Rudd, and the Slightly Hon. Doctor. Opening statements please, starting with the Valeyard’s representative.
Rudd: Thank you, Sagacity.
Inquisitor: Doctor, please desist while opening statements are read. Thank you.
Rudd: I really must curb these urges, Doctor. I’ve no wish to be contaminated by your whims and idiosyncrasies. Anyway, as I was saying. During this debate, you will hear how the Doctor intends to destroy the very fabric of Gallifrey’s being by reducing our policy of Non-Intervention to what has already been called “The Occasional Fiddle with Time Policy” by the media. Not only does this make a mockery of Gallifreyan law, but it also makes a mockery of you all – to Time Lords all over the universe. In his short time as the former President, the Doctor has flouted our rules, interfered with other peoples and planets, and run off like the child he still is. This isn’t the behaviour of a high-ranking official. They are the actions of an idiot. This man should not stand for office for such a wonderful place as Gallifrey.
Inquisitor: Thank you. Doctor?
Doctor: Talk about running away – just where is the Valeyard tonight?!
Inquisitor: Calm down, please Doctor…
Doctor: Fine. Fine. During these debates, my opponent, or at least the human representative of my opponent, will try to paint me as some kind of meddler. And yet, I have stopped such meddlings. Look at my adventure with the Monk during my first incarnation. Or my efforts against my childhood friend, the Master during my third, fourth, fifth, and current incarnations. I have put aside my friendship with the Master to thwart his attempts to overthrow mankind, Axonkind, and Castrovalviankind. My opponent will try to hide questionable immigration and defence policies behind grievances with supposed intervention. Do not let yourself be tricked.
Inquisitor: Thank you. Okay, so our first question comes from Twitter user, @SUTEKHTHEDESTROYERWHEREITREADILEAVENOTHINGBUTDUSTANDDARKNESSIFINDTHATGOOD. Sadly, his name has taken up all his allotted character limit, so we’ll instead go to the audience. This question comes from Leela of the Sevateem.
Leela: This is a question for the Doctor. Doctor, if the Valeyard is a future version of you, could he possibly be The Evil One?
Doctor: Oh very likely, Leela. Very likely.
Rudd: You see? The Doctor’s previous cohort is a savage, and I have it on very good authority that his next is Bonnie Langford. And yet you call the Valeyard evil?! The company you keep –
Doctor: The company I keep is of the very finest, madam. And if I occasionally make a mistake –
Rudd: He admits it!
Doctor: If I occasionally make a mistake, which everyone is permitted under Galactic Law, then I rectify that mistake.
Doctor: Usually, I strand the mistake on a space station plummeting towards Earth.
Doctor: A cheap shot. No, it was not my intervention that caused a space station to crash into Earth; it was the Cybermen. It was my intervention that resulted in saving the Earth, although it did massacre several million dinosaurs.
Rudd: This contravenes Article 7 of Gallifreyan Law!
Doctor: Then you should take that issue up with the Cybermen.
Inquisitor: This is irrelevant. We have another question from Twitter, this time from @MoeS, who asks: “What about immigants? Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them.”
Rudd: Completely nonsensical.
Inquisitor: Fortunately, the TARDIS translation circuits interprets the question as to pertaining your policies towards immigration.
Rudd: It is quite simple. We cannot open Gallifreyan borders. No other creatures could understand the timey-wimey – –
Rudd: – – the timey-wimey factors at play on Gallifrey. This would harm the Time Lords and put all of time and space at risk!
Doctor: Aren’t you an immigrant to Gallifrey?
Rudd: And I’m only here because, under your previous presidency, you reversed the law forbidding human beings from being on Gallifrey!
Doctor: Well, if my actions led to your attendance here, I regret my decision.
Rudd: The Doctor is well-known for these childish outbursts. I do not find the ramblings of an immature mind offensive. Nonetheless, your further attitude to immigrants led to the invasion of the Vardans –
Doctor: Which was in an effort to save Gallifrey.
Rudd: – – Then the Sontarans!
Doctor: Who I then defeated.
Rudd: Do you relish danger, Doctor?
Doctor: Not particularly.
Rudd: Yet you seem to court it so obviously.
Doctor: Well, even a nervous Time Lord must appear to act with confidence at all times.
Inquisitor: This is going nowhere. Our next question comes from the Rt. Hon. Romanadvoratrelundar II, future President of Gallifrey.
Romanadvoratrelundar II: Yes, hello. I was wondering how each of you would deal with handing over your presidency in the future/past/present?
Doctor: It – –
Rudd: I have it on good authority (from the Daily Mail), that the Doctor and Miss Romanadvo- Romaniadvor- Miss Romana were previously married, so the question should be stricken from the record. Instead, Doctor, I’d like to know, if Gallifrey were attacked, there are weapons of mass destruction in the Omega Arsenal –
Doctor: How do you know about such things?
Rudd: These weapons could defend Gallifrey from such threats as the Daleks, the Sontarans, and the greatest threat of all: Hell Bent. So tell me: would you press the button?
Doctor: I –
Rudd: Would you press the button?
Doctor: I –
Rudd: Would you press the button, Doctor?
Doctor: I –
Rudd: Would you press it?
(At this point, a disabled audience member, identified as a Mr. D. Avros of Skaro, joins in:)
Avros: Would you press it? To hold in your hand, a weapon that contains such power, to know that life and death on such a scale was your choice… To know that the tiny pressure of your thumb, enough to press down, would end everything… That power would set you up above the gods!
Inquisitor: Please remove that member of the audience.
(Avros is wheeled out, still ranting)
Inquisitor: This clearly isn’t going to be resolved in this time zone. So: closing statement please. Starting with the Doctor…
Doctor: Look, you’ve heard my arguments. I will give you the final say over Gallifreyan law. I will put a penny on income tax for the service of Regeneration Chambers, not just for the elected few in the Citadel as the Valeyard is proposing, but available to all Time Lords, at a time when comfort is needed. And I will stand up to the Daleks over countdown clocks mass-ejection of radiation, and every other Terry Nation trope. Now Amber Rudd is up next. She’s not the Valeyard. The Valeyard is not here tonight. He can’t be bothered. So why should you? In fact, Runcible’s report on the significance of “The Owl and the Pussycat” is on Public Register Video next. Why not make yourself a brew? You’re not worth the Valeyard’s time. Don’t give him yours.
Transmission ends as the Matrix instead tunes itself into The Owl, the Pussycat, and the Deadly Assassin’s Manchurian Candidate. Mary Whithouse complains.
So it’s up to you. Vote now to elect your next President of Gallifrey.