Transcript of Doctor Who Season 3 production team meeting
Friday 25th April 2025
Wolf Studios, Cardiff, Wales, Conference Room 3
In attendance: Russell T Davies, Jane Tranter, Phil Collinson, Julie Gardner, Pete McTighe, Steven Moffat via Teams, the husk of Chris Chibnall, and a man who says he’s called “Ncuti Gatwa”
Davies: Right, everyone! Settle down! Order! Order! Let’s get this show on the road, shall we? We’re a couple of episodes into the run. The Well is about to be broadcast tomorrow and, if you can pardon me for giving myself a pat on the back, there are already clear signs that this season is nothing less than brilliant!
Tranter: It’s brilliant!
Gardner: It’s brilliantly brilliant!
Davies: Thank you, thank you! Tell me something I don’t know.
Collinson: In certain lights, your eyes sparkle like the stars in the night sky…
Davies: Noted Phil, thanks for that. But we need to get everything lined up for when Disney give us the green light for Season 3. I’ve already written the sermons… Sorry, I mean the scripts, which are all, even if I say so myself, utterly brilliant.
Tranter: That’s brilliant!
Gardner: That’s brilliantly brilliant!
Collinson: With each day that passes, I can’t stop myself falling deeper and deeper…
Davies: Best of all! I’ve had a brilliant idea about bringing back a classic villain. Prepare yourselves for this! It’s going to blow your minds!
Tranter: I can’t wait!
Gardner: I’m close to passing out with excitement!
Collinson: You just make me want to be… a better man.
Davies: It’s going to be — drum roll please — an intergalactic version of Strictly Come Dancing where the Doctor has to have a Paso Doble off against… Wait for it… Tap dancing Davros!
Tranter: That’s the most brilliant thing I’ve ever heard. Julie! Julie! Did you hear what Russell just said? Oh dear, it looks as if Julie’s actually gone and fainted.
Collinson: I’m not crying because I’m sad. These tears are flowing because I’m happy. So very, very happy.
Gatwa: It all sounds great! I’d love to bust some moves and get down with Davros. And see off a few of those Dar-lecks that we’re so famous for. That would be so delicious!
Davies: Sorry? Who are you again?
Tranter: I think he’s up for a part, Russell. He’s here for an audition.
Davies: That’s marvellous! Isn’t that what we’re all about! Giving someone from a disadvantaged background a chance to shine. Oh, we’ll have a nice chat, you and me, just as soon as I get the chance. But for the moment, we’re all a bit busy, so if you wouldn’t mind doing the coffee run, down to Costa. They already know our orders – Phil is strictly goat’s milk only; it keeps him calm. And feel free to add yourself to the tab.
Gatwa: But I’m the —
Moffat: (voice only through speaker) Is now a good time to say how much I hate every single one of you?
Davies: What’s that, Moffy? Didn’t quite hear you then. McTighe, could you be a love and do something about turning up the speaker on that thing!
McTighe: McTighe do this! McTighe do that! I’m always being given rubbish things to do! Oh Peter, you’re not doing anything at the moment, are you? Could you nip out and film a promotional clip with one of the ‘classic’ actors before they drop dead, so we can flog another one of those collection boxsets? Oh, and can you do it on a budget that’s less than the cost of a McDonalds Happy Meal? I’m telling you now, when I’m showrunner, I won’t be pushed around anymore!
Davies: Peter, sweetie, just wind your neck in and stop your moaning. And when you’ve finished, make sure you go back to your place and eat all your vegetables. You’ve left loads on your plate. If you don’t eat your greens, you’ll never grow up to be a big and strong showrunner like me. Now, as to the other episodes for Season 3 —
McTighe: Can I write the sequels for Kerblam! and Praxeus? Please! Please! Can I? Can I? I wrote both of them with my own crayons, my mum said they were really, really good!
Davies: No, dear, no one wants to see that.
McTighe: But that’s so not fair! You promised! You told me you couldn’t be ars*d to write six more episodes, so you said if I wrote The War between the Fishy People, you’d let me put my special big boy pants on and write for the proper show.
Davies: And I will… one day. I promise! Now, shut up and eat your carrots.
Tranter: And sit up straight when you’re at the table!
Davies: Did you hear that, Chibster? Our little Pete is wanting to bring back some of your storylines.
Chibnall: …
Davies: Hey Chibster! Are you listening?
Chibnall: …
Tranter: He’s ever so quiet, isn’t he.
Collinson: As quiet as… my unrequited love. So close… and yet…
Davies: Yes, thanks Phil, you make a good point. Could someone tell me just how long the Chibster has been like this? I’ve been so brilliantly busy that I’ve not noticed.
Tranter: Ever since the handover meeting, after Jodie moved on.
Davies: But he’s still in the same chair!
Tranter: As far as I know, he hasn’t moved. He’s attended all of our meetings but never speaks or contributes a thing.
Davies: No different from when he was the showrunner.
Tranter: He never blinks! Never! He just stares and stares and stares. It’s rather unnerving.
Davies: He’s not dead, is he? Chibster! You’re not dead, are you?
Chibnall: …
Davies: CHIBSTER!
Chibnall: …
Moffat: (via speaker) I’m still here and I hate all of you with a passion that grows with each passing moment.
Davies: Sorry, Moffy, we can’t quite make out what you’re saying. But that reminds me, Stephen’s going to write an episode for Season 3. It’s going to feature a group of his Anglican Marines. I think they’re called the Dereks or Clerics or something like that! Anyway, they are lost in the jungle and being hunted by a really cross Adipose. I tell you, it’s brilliant, it’s exciting, it’s edge-of-your-seat stuff! And best of all, every one of the combatants that you see on screen is wearing a dress. Peter, I’ve got some notes here, just a few brush strokes that I’d like you to add.
Moffat: It’s “Steven” with a “v” and you know it!
Davies: I still can’t hear you, but I know you can hear me. This is all right up your alley, isn’t it? As far as my notes go, could you make sure that you put an extra amount of God-bashing into your script? Just like you did last time, you know the kind of thing, something about faith just being a magic word that keeps you from never having to think for yourself. And whilst you’re at it, take the peepee out of people saying prayers.
Moffat: I might hate God.
Davies: I can see your lips moving, but I still can’t hear any sound. Now, keeping on the same theme, as we’ve got Moffy here, the other Season 3 script I need to mention is the spiritual follow up to his Boom episode. You know, the one where whatshisface just stands there and talks a lot. First off, this new episode is going to be a ‘Doctor-lite’ one.
Tranter: I thought they all were.
Davies: I’m sorry, I know, but when all’s said and done, the show’s called Doctor Who. We’re contractually obliged to include the Doctor in a few of the episodes.
Tranter: Wait… there’s actually a doctor in them? Well, you learn something new every day!
Collinson: Just being next to Russell… completes me.
Davies: Cheers, thanks for that, Phil! So, this episode is going to be a reduced-budget, character-driven piece.
Tranter: Characters? No, you’ve lost me there.
Davies: As it’s the follow-up to Boom, I’ve come up with the brilliant idea of calling this one ‘Thud’ – which just goes to show how clever and ironic I am. Moffy, are you still with us?
Moffat: I just wish I could reach through this screen and —
Davies: What a shame, there’s still no sound. Moffy won’t be writing this one, but he’ll still get a credit. I’ve found a brilliant new writer, a real talent, to take the reins. He was a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race, I bumped into him the other day and I just knew he’d be perfect for the job.
Tranter: It all sounds so, so brilliant! If he needs a hand, when it comes to writing the script, I’m more than happy to help.
Davies: Oh, you’re such a sweetie! Actually, he’s only just learned to write his name — printed, not joined up. Once he’s moved onto full sentences, we’ll get the two of you together and I tell you now, that script will be an award winner! So, as far as ‘Thud’ goes, I’ve planned it all out, it’s about the companion…
Tranter: Which one?
Davies: Whichever one turns up! It doesn’t really matter, they’re both pretty much the same. Apart from Donna: she’s the best of them. She’s so normal and down to earth, giving away all her money because that’s what poor people do, isn’t it? People like that — real people — are at their happiest when they’ve got nothing. And I know this for a fact! Just imagine, if they could afford things, it would be terrible for them! Everyone should be more Donna! That’s what I say!
Tranter: Donna is the bestest companion ever.
Collinson: She makes my trousers happy.
Davies: So, the companion in ‘Thud’ goes into a charity shop…
Tranter: Can I just say, that’s so relatable! It’s genius, Russell! A charity shop! Poor people will love it!
Davies: I know! I know! But it’s where we want to kick-start the revolution, isn’t it? At the lowest and most ignorant level of society. Anyway, the companion bumps into a shelf. An ornament falls off, it’s in the shape of a baby hippo, which is obviously a metaphor for the evils of colonialism.
Tranter: No one can fail to see that.
Davies: Exactly! But if they do miss that, we’ll have the Doctor explaining about it for four minutes then having a little cry. Anyway, the baby hippo looks as if it’s about to smash on the floor, but at the last moment the shop assistant dashes over and catches the ornament, just before it hits the ground. Both the companion and the assistant’s eyes meet and ‘Thud’ – they instantly fall in love with each other.
Tranter: That’s beautiful!
Collinson: There are times when I know… that I’m truly in the presence of God.
Moffat: This is madness! None of you can see it, can you! It’s the biggest load of pish that I’ve ever heard in my life!
Davies: Ah, that’s nice! Moffy is jumping around, he’s looking ever so excited! But ‘Thud’ has a really big twist because we can’t lose sight that we’re making a Science-fiction, fable, kids from Fame, Bridgerton, fantasy island programme.
Tranter: Science-fiction? No, sorry, you’ve lost me again.
Moffat: You have all the wit and wisdom of a mushroom! And that’s doing a bloody disservice to mushrooms!
Davies: Bless him! Moffy’s still going! He’s now beating his chest to show how much he’s loving this brainstorm. So, the big twist is that the shop assistant is trapped in an unfulfilling relationship with a Weeping Angel. No one’s to blame, but they’re both holding each other back from true happiness.
Tranter: I’m almost lost for words. It’s brilliant! And so real!
Moffat: It’s like having a conversation with a packet of Gummy Bears!
Davies: Apologies, Moffy, there’s just too much interference on the line. Look at his little face, the way it’s turning bright red just shows that he’s desperate to give us his support. As far as the assistant and the Weeping Angel go, I’m already seeing another massive dance routine. Jane has managed to secure the rights to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance so we’re good to go on making some very special memories.
Moffat: I think I want to die…
Davies: Now the link that ‘Thud’ has with Boom is that all three of the main characters are unable to move. They have to stay really still, or the baby hippo falls and gets broken. So, it ends up with them being forced to work together. Naturally, the seven or eight minutes that they spend in each other’s company is enough for them to fall into a three-way relationship.
Collinson: They never work… Believe me, I know… There’s always someone who’s left outside watching in the cold…
Davies: My poor, poor boy. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, they enter into a three-way relationship, which as Phil has kindly pointed out, fizzles to an end, but with the result of all three of them growing and becoming better people.
Moffat: It’s Hell, isn’t it? I’m actually, right at this moment, in Hell…
Davies: Moffy! I’m so sorry, I have to let you go. The Disney Execs are waiting on the line. They’re no doubt going to give us the green light for Season 3. So, you’d best get on with writing your script because the deal is as good as done. And don’t forget the title of the story – we’re going to use the first name of the main cleric, so the audience knows who the story is really about. Looking forward to reading the first draft of ‘Jungle Jim’s Big Adventure’ really soon. Bye for now!
Moffat: That’s as close as I’ve ever come to ending it all. I just need some time to recover and pull myself together. Gatiss! The needle!
Davies: He’s gone, bless him! You know, I’m still amazed, even after all this time as a writer, how Stephen-with-a-ph still has the drive and passion for his work. If only he had a talent like mine to match it…
Tranter: Can I let you in on a brilliant little secret about Moffy?
Davies: Oh, do tell! I love a bit of gossip.
Tranter: Peter Capaldi never played the Twelfth Doctor. If you look really, really closely, it was just Moffy wearing a wig.
Davies: Never!
Tranter: Honest to God! He didn’t even use a script. He just stomped around being grumpy and then — here’s the genius part — he pocketed both the showrunner’s and lead actor’s fees.
Davies: That’s brilliant and very Moffy! He’s a true Scot in every sense! And before anyone says anything about slurring him by using a national stereotype – just try going on a working lunch with the man. The moment anyone asks for the bill, he jumps up from the table like a Raston Warrior Robot, disappears into thin air, and then the next thing you see is his back as he’s heading through the exit.
Tranter: Moffy even does all of the conventions in his wig. No one ever seems to notice, I suppose they just see what they want to see. The funny thing is that the real Capaldi doesn’t understand why Big Finish is stalking him. He keeps telling them that he was only ever a supporting actor in the Doctor Who thing that was set in Pompeii, but Briggs and all his lot still keep asking. I hear Briggs has even taken to parking his car in front of Capaldi’s house. He just sits there. It’s all a bit creepy, if you ask me.
Gatwa: Right, everyone! I’m back with the coffees! Help yourselves to your orders. Russell, do you think I could have a quick word, you know about where things are going and how I’m playing the character?
Davies: I’m just in the middle of something really important right now, Random Man. But I promise, cross my heart and hope to die, that we’ll have a good look at your audition tape and get back to you. You’ve got a real future in this business, I can tell. Well, now, I think that we’ve kept the Disney bigwigs waiting long enough. Everyone should prepare themselves for a huge amount of praise and adulation. It’s time to bask in the glory! I’m putting them through now… Hi Walt! It’s lovely to hear from you…
Exec: Hi to you, Russell, and all of your team. It’s John, not Walt, by the way, but I’ll answer to pretty much anything. We thought it was time to touch base with you Brits about ‘The Doctor Who’ and let you know how things are going over here from our perspective. Before we start, perhaps you could fill us in on how the two seasons have gone down at your end of the pond?
Davies: It’s been absolutely brilliant, Mickey! A huge success in terms of delivering exactly what I wanted. Admittedly, the ratings could be a little higher, but no one really watches TV these days. Lower ratings, to me, are just a way of showing that we’re getting quality over quantity.
Exec: That’s great to hear, Russ. Though — and correct me if I’m wrong about this — if no one watches TV anymore, isn’t it kind of pointless making TV shows?
Davies: Ah Pluto! I think it’s more about getting the right people to watch your show. What we’ve managed to do, and I’m so proud of this, is whittle out the long-standing hangers-on, who’ve been watching the programme for years. You know, the ones who still remember when Doctor Who was good. And what we’re now left with, thank God, are lots of fresh progressive eyes, who occasionally tune in, but only on those rare occasions when they’re not already watching YouTok or TikTube.
Tranter: You don’t want the old fans. They’re horrible and they really stink of wee.
Davies: Oh, they really do, don’t they!
Exec: So, you’ve dismantled your core audience, just on the off chance of appealing to a small minority? And my name is still John, by the way.
Davies: That’s right, Donald! It’s very much in line with the Disney model, isn’t it? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m not so don’t, but you do that with all your franchises, don’t you?
Exec: Oh my God! Do we? Actually, you might have really hit something there, Russ. Now that you’ve come out and said it, well, gee, you’ve really got me thinking. That’s what we’ve been doing, isn’t it!
Davies: It’s thanks to doing things the Disney way that we’ve become an enormous hit with the demographic that we’ve been chasing right from the very start.
Exec: Really? A hit? You know, I’ve got the breakdown here with all the figures. And what I’m seeing is that ‘The Doctor Who’ isn’t getting into the Neilsen top fifty, let alone the top ten. But you said you’ve a hit on your hands. I just don’t see what I’m missing. Help me out, Russ: what demographic are you scoring so highly with?
Davies: The people in this room.
Exec: What?
Tranter: Everyone in the room thinks it’s brilliant, and we’re all fantastically brilliant people, so it stands to reason that it can’t be anything but brilliant.
Davies: Well, I can’t argue with that! And even if I could, I wouldn’t!
Exec: Just you guys… are the demographic?
Davies: Spot on, Minnie! Now, getting onto the subject of Season 3. I’ve already got things on the boil. We just need to cross the t’s and dot the i’s before you send us another wedge of lovely money. Do you want to use bank transfer or PayPal?
Gatwa: I can’t explain it, but for some weird reason, I think this meeting is making me feel really old and tired.
Exec: Russ… our little chat today has given me a lot to think about. For the moment, I’m going to put things on hold, just for a little while. Now that I know your vision, I need to sit down, probably in a darkened room, and take some time to think about where the Disney ship is heading. Oh, while I remember, our lawyers have settled out of court for the deformation of character case with Jinkx Monsoon.
Davies: Don’t take this the wrong way but I think you’re a fool for doing it. Jinkx doesn’t have a character to deform in the first place! We were so disappointed with their performance.
Exec: How so?
Davies: To be really brutal, it was much too understated.
Tranter: It got to a point in the final edit when Jinkx actually came across as being normal. So, we had to blow most of the season’s budget on adding a lot of post-production CGI to jazz up the performance. The knock-on effect was that we didn’t have enough money left for the design and animation of Sutekh, so we ended up with a previously used asset from Disney Studios.
Exec: Oh yeah, I remember, it was the ‘Big Bad Bow Wow Monster’ from an episode of Scooby and Scrappy Doo. I’m just glad we could help. Anyhow, it’s been good to catch up! I’m going to sign off… and have a long lie down. You all take care now.
Davies: Thanks Elvis! All the best! And… he’s gone.
Gatwa: I think I’ll go as well, if you don’t mind.
Davies: No problems, off you pop!
Gatwa: I’ll just go then? You see, my knees they’re in agony.
Davies: You poor thing! You get yourself home.
Gatwa: I can just leave?
Davies: Of course, if you’re not feeling up to it.
Gatwa: Well… bye then and thanks for everything.
Davies: Sorry it’s not worked out. I’d have loved to see you act.
Gatwa: But I’m the —
Davies: Yes, bye!
Tranter: We’ll keep your portfolio on file, just in case any roles come up. Take care of yourself, I’m sure you’ll find a part that’s a perfect fit for you, bye now!
Davies: What a result for us! I thought the meeting with the Yanks went brilliantly!
Tranter: Are you sure? There wasn’t really any confirmation that Disney will carry on with the deal.
Davies: That’s my point! He’s gone away because he’s amazed by what we’re doing. I bet he’s already on the phone demanding that we get double, or more likely, triple the budget of the last two seasons. Mark my words, this relationship is going to go on and on and on.
Tranter: You’re so utterly brilliant!
Collinson: He radiates on us all… like the sun in the heavens.
Davies: Thanks Phil, that’s both nice and very true. Anyway, tatty bye, I’ve got to get my skates on. I’ve a meeting at Paramount in an hour. They want me to ghost write the first season Star Trek Starfleet Academy. Apparently, it’s in real need of ‘butching up’ so they’ve sent up the emergency flares and got me on the case. Chibster, do you want to share the cost of a taxi?
Chibnall: …
Davies: So, you’re staying here tonight?
Chibnall: …
Davies: Lights on or off in the room?
Chibnall: …
Davies: Suit yourself! We’ll turn them off as we go… I suppose it’s just another part of our role in saving the entire planet and saving some of the budget. Give me a few more seasons and we’ll soon have everyone on the right track! Nighty night night, Chibster!
Chibnall: …
Okay, so this might not have happened. But you can’t guarantee it didn’t happen either, can you?
