To: Sylvia Mackay
From: Magnus Crilley
Date: 29/11/2016 23:20
Subject: First draft
Below: the first few comment files I’ve managed to drag out for this year’s reports. These are my own personal reflections; can I leave it with you to put them into something presentable that parents will be happy to read? Please do not include any confidential information or anything that pertains specifically to You-Know-Who; I had enough trouble after the Krillitane incident. Note: this is not exhaustive; I’ll send you others as I think of them.
My sub-categorisation is entirely incidental, so don’t take that too seriously, even though I happen to think it’s gospel.
Headmaster’s comments: Clyde is a spirited young man whose exploits concerning the [THIS PARAGRAPH CENSORED BY AUTOMATED FILTERING SOFTWARE INSTALLED BY UNIT UNDER THE OFFICIAL SECRETS ACT] are well-documented. He was particularly brave concerning the [CENSORED], and showed great resilience and resourcefulness when battling the [CENSORED]. I am only glad that time has allowed me to be so candid.
Most likely to: Work out the identity of the villain before anyone else.
Headmaster’s comments: I do not understand Ruby. However, I don’t think Ruby understands Ruby, so we are at least on the same page. For all her apparent idiocy she possesses great insight, and was the first to figure out that ‘Gifted and Talented’ is a euphemism for ‘Social Services on speed dial’. Maintains that she has no imagination but her class trip report detailing adventures with escaped tigers and a magical box proved that this is clearly not the case; my only regret is that emergency governor’s meeting. Progress in mathematics has been slow, but her recent interest in botany is to be embraced.
Most likely to: Find ‘x’.
Headmaster’s comments: Merry is a sweet, personable and very talented child; I am concerned however that her extra-curricular activities are getting in the way of her academic progress and general physical wellbeing. She was recently called away to a large arena concert where she returned with visible crow’s feet. (Memo to self: Is ‘Merry’ the girl’s real name? It sounds like something from Enid Blyton.)
Most likely to: Wind up a quarter-finalist in a future Britain’s Got Talent.
Headmaster’s comments: Shows a dangerous knowledge of advanced chemistry that led to one particularly nasty incident in the science lab (no charges were filed, but Mr Astlethwaite’s chest hair still hasn’t grown back). An over-achiever stuck in her own head. Prone to bouts of screaming hysteria and is no longer allowed to handle scissors.
Most likely to: Top the fanboys’ returning companions wishlist.
Headmaster’s comments: Largely, see above.
Most likely to: Carve out a respectable career in voiceover.
Headmaster’s comments: Interesting taste in hats. Report incomplete owing to her sudden and unexplained departure halfway through an examination.
Most likely to: Become spontaneously and inexplicably extinct.
Headmaster’s comments: I a fin ing it har o wri abou Amelia, si ce she bit thre of my fin ers. Lit le bra .
Most likely to: Fry something.
Headmaster’s comments: I’ve never been quite sure what to make of Mr Turlough. He gives the impression of an older man masquerading as a teenager, which is either a fetish of some sort or something far more sinister. He treats most other human beings in the manner of something foul-smelling that he had stepped on, and then there was the incident with the car (which I am sadly not permitted to discuss pending the insurance investigation). His decision to continue to wear school uniform even on non-uniform days is baffling, as was his choice of attire for the last time we encountered him: an entirely unsuitable pair of shorts that resulted in an unfortunate incident with the fashion police.
Most likely to: Sneer.
Romulus and Remus
Headmaster’s comments: Not many people know this, but Romulus and Remus were originally a singular entity. It was a bizarre scientific experiment that split them into two separate (and identical) teenage boys who both share a single personality, which should tell you all you need to know. Memo to self: do not allow them in the I.T. labs.
Most likely to: Effect fewer facial expressions than Legolas Greenleaf of the Mirkwood.
Headmaster’s comments: … Actually, can we just not talk about this? You know, ever?
Most likely to: Still not talking.
Headmaster’s comments: ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY? ARE YOU MY MUMMY?
Most likely to: MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY
I do not like her in the hall
I do not like her short, or tall.
I do not like her in a tree.
I do not like her in P.E.
I do not like her in detention
Or at a Comic-Con convention
I do not like her here and there
I do not like her anywhere.
Most likely to: Pout.
Headmaster’s comments: Possibly the most irritating pubescent I have ever encountered. Preoccupations with junk food and soap operas are perfectly excusable; being an insufferable dunderhead is not. It’s a wonder Sarah Jane Smith didn’t leave her as a prisoner. Thankfully, after the Bane incident she fell into the crack in time and was erased from existence.
Most likely to: Deny everything, and then vanish.
Headmaster’s comments: It’s difficult to know how to write about Angela. Her life was comparatively normal until the incident with the [THIS TEXT REDACTED BY UNIT] whereupon an unfortunate rip in the space-time continuum rendered her incapable of acting. Eventually she visited an abandoned amusement park and was turned into a mindless robotic zombie, which turned out to be an improvement.
Most likely to: Get a gig in a future series of Wolfblood.
Headmaster’s comments: Sorry. Complete b**lend.
Most likely to: Become king of the insect people.
As for Miss Quill’s class… well, they’re in a league of their own…
The Kids Are All Right: School Reports from the Children of Time
To: Sylvia Mackay