The Doctor’s Scrapbook: Adventures on Sol 3’s Moon

The recent spasm in the space-time continuum, contiguous with the election of the new British Prime Minister in defiance of all the timelines, caused the TARDIS to leak extracts from the Doctor’s scrapbook. As the event of the leak itself (as opposed to the election of the Prime Minister) constituted a fixed point in time and cannot be rewritten, the TARDIS has given us her kind permission to publish these extracts.  

It should be stressed that the Doctor’s scrapbook is an eclectic collection, comprising audio, video, and written sources, often haphazardly jumbled together in any old order, undated, and often not even glued onto the pages. Indeed, a note on one page reads, “Bored with this! If they want to make me a curator, they should give me a proper job!” 

The original source presents immense problems for any archivist or editor, but we have done our best to select extracts on the theme of Earth’s MOON (Sol 3, Mutter’s Spiral) and, where we can, prize off the mess of congealed and half eaten jelly babies from the original cuttings.

— Keeper of the Matrix, Gallifrey, Era of Reconstruction and Peace

Extract 1 from THE UNIT FILES (classified documents, planet EARTH, once assumed lost in the solar flares)

UNIT File:  

Memorandum from Brigadier Alastair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart to Scientific Adviser, dated 7.7.77:  

[typed memo reads:] 

Doctor, do you think establishing a tracking centre on the Moon is a good idea? Geneva is keen: the thinking is that it will give us early warning of any alien spearhead. 

[Reply (scrawled in pencil)] Absolutely not! You humans are far too keen to draw attention to yourselves and look where it gets you! Besides, there’s a dragon inside the moon.

[Handwritten note, fountain pen, presumably handwriting of Lethbridge-Stewart, reads:]  

There are times when I fear the man has taken leave of his senses. 

Extract 2 – advertisement, undated 

Sick of GLOBAL WARMING? Think you can do BETTER THAN GOD? Well, we at the GRAVITRON project share your view! Come to an Open Public Meeting at … [following text indecipherable owing to congealed mess of green jelly baby] 

Extract 3 – Press release for the GRAVITRON PROJECT  

[FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE.]

Ever since the first Interceptors were stationed on Mars against U.F.O. attacks, and ever since the unsuccessful attempts to set up bases on the moon by Moonbase Three (directors Detts and Licks) and Moonbase Alpha (director Ganderson), humankind has longed to establish itself on our nearest planetary neighbour.

We at GRAVITRON will make the best use of this planetary resource, as a direct response to the perils of global heating. 

We at GRAVITRON believe it is time to wrest control of the weather from an arbitrary and vengeful providence and bestow it on the ordered, cultured, rational minds of humankind.  

No longer shall we be subjected to hurricanes in spring, droughts in summer, and floods in winter! GRAVITRON ensures a calm and benevolent control of the weather. It sends the blessings of sunshine to warm the crops, the caress of showers to water the grain…

Extract 4 – AUDIO file – TARDIS data log. [Transcript follows:]

…Hello? Hello… och… Doctor, it isnae working… stupid wee box of tricks…Yes it is, Jamie, you just have to speak into the microphone… The what?… Och, this wee pipe here… Right, erm… My name is James Robert McCrimmon. I fought redcoats but now fight all sorts of celestial beasties –Ach… stop doing that, you stupid wee devil… curse you… I’ve been travelling with the Doctor for weeks and let me tell you it doesnae make any sense at all… speaking into this pipe was his idea, he said it would help me, what was it, acclimatise myself to travelling in time, whatever that means, och, the man speaks in riddles … tsk… and there isnae a decent bowl of porridge to be had anywhere on this gleaming ship… Ben and Polly insist on drowning it in milk when all a true Scot wants is a wee pinch of salt, ground between fingers calloused from fighting… tsk… Och, well… we’ve been on the moon. How could we be on the moon? The moon’s up in the sky! … I feel daft talking to myself like this… tsk… I didnae understand a lot of it, to be honest, but there were these giant silver beasties called Cybermen who were interfering with a lot of Frenchies and sassenachs, who had a big musket pointed at a blue ball in the sky, and the Cybermen wanted it to do something and the sassenachs wouldnae have any of it… first time I saw one of those silver devils, I thought it was the McCrimmon Piper, coming to claim me for his own, and to take me off to his castle in Hell! … Och, it fair gave me the willies… That sassenach swaggerer Ben doesnae wear one, but he’s nae but a redcoat, he insults me and squares up to me to try his manhood, ach, a good swing with ma Claymore would take his heed clean off, but the Doctor’s confiscated it… ma Claymore, not Ben’s heed… but Polly, well, she’s a bonnie wee lassie even if she is English, and Ben treats her as his lady, which she isnae … … … Doctor, I still don’t feel any better, can I stop now?… Yes, Jamie, if you want to… Och, you were just making me do this to keep me out of the way, weren’t you?

Extract 5 – fragment of newspaper cutting from The London Times, dated [unreadable on source]

Cybermen Cause Irreparable Damage to Gravitron

By our Moon Correspondents  

The recent occupation of the Gravitron Project by the Cybermen (long assumed to be extinct) has necessitated the complete shutdown of all systems, according to Director Hobson. ‘Those treacherous tin men used technology that totally fried our systems, and when we got reports of Californian summers in Alaska, and teeming rain in the Sahara, we knew something was up.’ Director Hobson denied that temperatures of five degrees centigrade in Brixton in August were anything unusual.  

Extract 6: advertisement from The New York Times dated [undecipherable on source] 

SALE OF WORLD GOVERNMENT PROPERTY. Abandoned moonbase (formerly Gravitron Base) for sale to highest bidder. Guaranteed against alien incursion.   

[handwritten note – writer unknown – follows, reads] Could World Gov refit this as experimental T-Mat station? 

Extract 7: fragment of newspaper cutting from The London Times, dated [unreadable on source]

‘Ice Warriors’ Cause Irreparable Damage to T-Mat Moon Station

By our Moon Correspondents  

The recent occupation of the T-Mat Moon Station by the ‘Ice Warriors’ has necessitated a complete shutdown of all systems, according to the project director, Commander Radnor: ‘We’re hopping mad,’ he commented. ‘The government sold it to us on the understanding it was 100 per cent secure against alien infiltration. First the Cybermen, now these Martians! We’re going to sue.’  

Candidate for the World Presidency Salamander commented, ‘I have every sympathy. These are very serious allegations indeed.’ 

Extract 8: MEMORANDUM

From: Undersecretary of State, Homeworld Office 

To: Inspector le Maitre, World Government Chief Inspector of Prisons 

Sir 

This advertisement from today’s New York Times caught my eye. Might it what be what we are looking for? Could be developed as a lunar penal colony for undesirables/political prisoners? 

[advertisement reads:] 

SALE OF WORLD GOVERNMENT PROPERTY. Abandoned T-Mat station for sale to highest bidder.  

MEMORANDUM 

From: Inspector le Maitre, World Government Chief Inspector of Prisons 

To: Undersecretary of State, Homeworld Office 

Oh yes, indeed. A most suitable proposition.  

[Handwriting – the Doctor’s? – follows] That jackanapes! All he ever does is to cause trouble.