The three seasons comprising the Philip Hinchcliffe/Robert Holmes/Tom Baker era are thought of as the golden age, and there’s not a lot of debate about this.
But there was an extended passing of the torch before Hinchcliffe and co. settled in. Hinchcliffe had Barry Letts sniffing around and advising — he even cast the new Doctor (thank goodness!), with Terrance Dicks pulling the old “Hey, Hinchy, did you know it’s tradition for the outgoing script editor to write the first adventure of the next era? Yeah, it’s a tradition dating back all the way to the beginning of this sentence!”
And Letts wanted the new season to include the Daleks and Cybermen, bringing in some old enemies to give the new Doctor an even better fighting chance in the ratings. It’s very possible that Barry was nervous about the new Doctor — indeed, any new Doctor coming in, as Jon Pertwee and the preceding era was very popular and did bring the show to new heights. A bit similar to the suits at the Beeb sweating the loss of Tennant, not knowing if the show (gasp) could survive without him. Turns out, no one needed to worry.
Still, Hinchcliffe had his directions, and although it’s not necessarily the way he would have gone had he a choice, he and Holmes did quite a lovely job, all things considered.
After sneaky boots Terry got his Robot in and introduced the Fourth Doctor, Hinchcliffe and Holmes gave us the classic Ark in Space, the tight and light Sontaran Experiment, and of course, one of the Crown Jewels of the Golden Age, Genesis of the Daleks. As I say, despite being required to wedge in a bunch of old monsters, the boys did a rather remarkable job.
And then they made Revenge of the Cybermen.
Now, on paper, I’m sure this seemed like a sure fire winner. Cybermen, space station, spooky caves, and the ultra cyber nemesis, lots of gold!
In a nutshell, the Cybermen go to great lengths to destroy Voga, the planet of gold, utilising the orbiting Nerva Beacon, an inside saboteur, and deadly Cybermats attacking humans and imitating a “plague”.
It seemed to be a sort of DIY project on a budget more than something to fit with the rest of the wonderful Season 12. They reused the lovely space station set from Ark and rented out the Wookey Hole caves to stand in as Voga — probably at a discount, them being cursed and all.
Yes, turns out, a bunch of accidents and mishaps plagued the cast and crew in those caves. Just a bunch of bad luck after they desecrated some landmark inside for a bit of fun. Broken bones, alleged hallucinations, and our lovely Liz Sladen almost drowned if not for the timely intervention of stuntman Terry Walsh!
It was clear they’d run out of money by this point in the season, considering the Vogans decorated their chambers with the items they bought second-hand at the Gallifrey flea market and home show.
(I’m waiting for the anal-retentive ultra nerd that exhausts himself writing a story that actually tries to explain why Voga is festooned with the royal symbol of Gallifrey. Obviously, the designer, Roger Murray-Leach, liked the logo so much, he couldn’t just abandon it after this clunker, so it was reused later in representing Gallifrey, and the hope was that we’d pleasantly ignore these logos in Revenge of the Cybermen upon rewatch. Although, fans being fans, I’ve gotta think it’s only a matter of time, if Big Finish hasn’t already done a special audio on it. But I digress.)
So, the Cybermen fear gold, because they’re deathly allergic, and they decide to send a half dozen troops to blow up Voga from the center of the planet. And you’ve got that weasel Kellman, the double agent who lets the whole crew of the beacon die of the phony plague, but it’s okay (?) as he’s a double agent, ya see, and the Vogans have a rocket….
… I’m sorry. The whole thing seems needlessly complicated. I realise these aren’t the Cybermen at their peak, but with all the bombs they’ve got, couldn’t they get ahold of some missiles and just blast the planet into glitter? Or just jump ahead to their final move and simply throw the bomb-filled beacon at the planet right off the bat? Hmm. It seemed like this Cyber Controller might have finished last in his Cyber-planning course.
But let’s tackle the elephant in the room.
No, not the fact the great Kevin Stoney, Mavic Chen, himself — not to mention Tobias Vaughn — is hidden beneath a ton of prosthetics as an old Vogan. No, not the fact that the incredible Michael Wisher, aka Davros (who just played him like five minutes ago), is here playing another, phlegmy subordinate Vogan.
No, it’s just… the Cybermen fold like frail deck chairs as soon as a speck of gold hits their chest unit. It makes them more useless than a Stormtrooper’s armor.
Voga is a planet of gold. There are a billion gold rocks lying all over the place. Pretty much everything metal on that planet is gold, often to an illogical and faulty degree! We saw that their chains are made of gold. Their manacles are made of gold. Even though they’re kind of useless. The levers for their rocket controls are gold. Their guns are made… of gold.
You see where I’m going, dear Cyberphile….
So…. please check my reasoning if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t they be using bullets made of gold? After all, the last war with the Cybermen, ages ago, the Vogans won by creating the “glitter gun” as the Doctor called it. So why doesn’t every Vogan carry a glitter gun? Or, yeah, even just a gun with gold bullets? At the very least, gold-tipped bullets?
Don’t you think a gold-tipped bullet filled AK-47 might be a better fit for the armed forces of Volga, especially if there’s even a hint of Cybermen in the galaxy, surely?
On the entire planet, you’d really only need one of these guns, because logically, if a couple of bits of gold dust, or a crumbling gold star for mathematical excellence immediately kills a Cyberman, wouldn’t some high-powered gold bullets end the cyber-army in about a minute?
Forty Vogans are just getting mowed down by the cyber-sparky helmets in the cursed caves, and they’re firing, what… lead? Against their ancient, mighty cyber foes who can’t abide anything gold?
Hey, even simpler, how’s about a slingshot? ALL YOU NEED IS A GOLD ROCK, FELLAS, IF THERE HAPPENS TO BE ONE LYING ABOUT.
Oh, this was all just very unfortunate. In fact, why are the Vogans hiding in fear of the Cybermen for generations? If they sent out a half dozen troops armed with gold bullets, they could probably all but wipe out the cyber-race in a weekend! Ah well. No season’s perfect, I suppose. Well, not this one anyway.
Revenge of the Cybermen is, ironically, the one chunk of junk in an otherwise golden season.
But all is not lost. At least we have the line:
*”HARRY SULLIVAN IS AN IMBECILE!”*
